[Powderworks] Fwd Gig Rules
Mon, 04 Nov 2002 17:26:13 +1100
this is very funny and very true
>1) Don't sing if you aren't one of the dudes on stage getting paid to do
>it. Nobody paid their hard-earned money to hear your dorky, untalented ass
>sing. We came to hear the dudes on stage sing. Paying 40 bucks to go see
>Tool, but instead of hearing Maynard, you get the dorkus malorkus with mad
>zits standing next to you singing "Sober" really loudly and out of key in
>your ear is enough to murder mother fuckers for.
>2) Also, if the singer on stage does decide to either: pass the mic around
>for the "sing along" song, or: motion to the audience to sing aloud at key
>moments, and you know beforehand that your singing ability is severely
>limited, you MUST waive your "sing along" rights. Leave the crowd
>participation parts to those that do not fall under the "musically
>3) This is possibly the oldest rule in the book... yeah, you know what
>we're talking about... don't be THAT guy. We KNOW you like the band, that's
>why you're here, you don't need to wear their SHIRT to their show as well.
>4) Also, no wearing shirts of ex-bands either. That means no Nirvana shirts
>at the Foo Fighters show, no Jawbreaker shirts at the Jets to Brazil show,
>no Minor Threat shirts at the Fugazi show etc.
>5) The "merch guy" is not your friend. In fact, all the merch guy wants to
>do is get through the night without having to talk to your lame ass. That
>means that he doesn't want a copy of your weak ass emo band's demo to pass
>along to the band. The only reason he might talk to you is because you
>either A) Know where to get drugs. B) Your girlfriend is hot, and by
>talking to you he can K.G.B. his way into her pants. C) You are willing to
>pay him for the time in his life that he's wasted talking about how much he
>likes the band's first out of print seven inch D) Know where he can get
>either drunk or high for free or E) He's making fun of you. Most likely
>it's E. In fact, it's mostly E, I mean look at yourself, you're striking up
>conversation with a merch jockey.
>6) Dancing is ok, as long as you don't get all fruity. Air-instruments are
>NOT ok. That includes: air-guitar, air-drums, air-microphone,
>air-keyboards, and yes even the air-bass. Don't get me started on
>7) If you yell out "Play some Skynyrd", you deserve immediate castration.
>This isn't funny unless your name is either Beavis or Butthead. Shut the
>fuck up, we all know you've never heard Skynard. You think Earth Crisis
>invented music back in 1990. Don't give somebody another reason to stab
>8) Don't be the buff steakhead dudes in the Jeep blasting Radiohead as you
>leave (or enter) the parking lot of the Radiohead show. WE KNOW YOU LIKE
>THE BAND! THAT'S WHY YOU ARE AT THE FUCKING SHOW CHAMP! HOW MUCH OF ONE
>BAND DO YOU REALLY NEED?! Actually just don't be the four buff guys in the
>Jeep at the show... period. This rule applies to everybody. You don't need
>to listen to the band you're going to see on the way to seeing them.
>9) Tall dudes that stand at the front of the stage should have their
>testicles pureed. You're tall dumb ass, get in the back, or at least back a
>10) Don't yell songs at the band, especially if it's not a super rare song
>or something. Yelling "ENTER SANDMAN" at the Metallica show is second only
>in retardation to drooling on yourself and walking really funny with a
>walker. NO SHIT THEY'RE GONNA PLAY ENTER SANDMAN DUDE. Keep it in your
>pants, they'll get to it in the 3rd encore. Heckling is ok.
>11) Anybody who utters the word MOSH PIT deserves to die.
>12) Don't take off your shirt. We know you're sweaty dude, taking off your
>wife beater isn't going to stop that.
>13) Don't be that fat lame bitch that gets crushed at the front of the
>stage at the barrier. Every time there's a real big show, some grotesquely
>fat chick thinks it would be swell to get as close to the singer of
>Blink182 as possible, and that nobody else there has the same idea. 3 songs
>into the set, the bouncers have to pull her obese fainting ass over the
>barricade. Don't be this pathetic piece of pasty lard.
>14) Don't buy those shirts in the parking lot from the dude who looks
>homeless... unless your idea of a good fitting shirt is about 1 foot long
>and 3 feet wide. Oh wait, that probably fits your fat ass perfectly.
>15) No making out at shows. Get a room. Unless of course it's a Shat show,
>then it's ok.
>16) People who stand outside the whole time, and never go inside to watch
>any of the bands should be shot in the face. Yeah bitch, we know you don't
>really like the music and just use your pseudo post emo look as a social
>façade to hopefully get laid and shit, but your presence at shows besides
>annoying everybody and making it harder to move around is useless. Go home
>and play on the internet and revise your makeout club profile you twat.
>17) Don't be that guy who sells your zine at shows. We don't want to hear
>about your boring life, let alone have to pay money to hear about it.
>18) Newsflash for kids starting a new band... it doesn't matter how many
>flyers you make for that first show you're playing at that coffeehouse...
>if you pass this flyer out to every last fucker in front of the show,
>NOBODY WILL CARE AND NOBODY WILL COME. We don't care about Shit Skittle's
>debut performance brah. It's almost as if the people passing out these
>flyers assume that people are walking out of the show thinking, "Gee, I
>really don't have anything to do at all next weekend. I wish there was some
>shitty show going on somewhere really out of the way with bands I've never
>ever heard of and don't know what they sound like that I could go to." It's
>not happening bro and never will. Keep practicing.
>19) No crying.
>20) When there's a brand new band that a lot of people seem real excited
>about that features ex members of other cool bands or something, and they
>don't have any releases out yet, just a demo, or a couple mp3's on their
>website or something, don't be the jackass at the front of the stage
>singing all the words. Yeah, yeah, we know you're the geeky super fan who
>likes these guys way more than everybody else. Just stop it cos you're
>making everybody want to vomit with your over apparent super fan
>21) "Moshers" who lose shoes, keys, wallets, etc. and then stop their kung
>fu fighting to try and look for those objects, then get clobbered and fall
>to the ground...... no wait, keep doing that, it's funny.
>22) Sometimes when your favorite band is playing their big hit as their
>last song, you think it's a good idea and really cool to jump up on the
>stage and dance with the band. You and about 50 other die-hard geeks.
>Well... we know you're real enthusiastic about the whole thing, but get
>your porky and dorky ass off the stage. The band doesn't want you up there
>that close to their equipment. Get off the stage fruitcake.
>23) If you go up and begin conversation with the band while they're loading
>equipment out at the end of the night and you don't at least offer to help,
>you deserve to be cut into little fucking pieces. The band wants to get the
>shit in the van and get the fuck out of your dumb ass corn & wheat
>truckstop town, and you're not helping matters.
>24) Street team people passing out the latest Mudvayne cassette sampler in
>front of the show should be crucified. Yeah, give me a tape dude. I want a
>fucking Mudvayne tape.
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