[Mike Blackwood]

Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the
bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many
unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite
taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep
into the girting sea.  Geologists assure us that this is simply an
accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it
the "Great Australian Bight" proving that not only are they covering up
a more frightening theory, but they can't spell either.
	
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the
place. Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as
either continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three.
Typically, it is unique in this.
	
The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be
divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true
that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9
of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most
poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are
curiously few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all.
	
But even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be
careful to check inside boots (before putting them on) under toilet
seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is
very useful for this task.
	
Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are
more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the
common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its
life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it
comes out to eat worms and grubs.
	
The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is completely
indestructible. Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles
that outclass Olympic weightlifters. At night, they often wander the
roads. Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all
9 wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed. They
express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller
cars, the wombat becomes an asymmetrical high-speed launching pad, with
results that can be imagined, but not adequately described.
	
The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing
behavior. If a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the
Wombat will feel the disturbance and think "Ho! My hole is collapsing!"
at which it will brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of
its burrow with incredible force, to prevent its collapse. Any
unfortunate hand will be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause
the Wombat to simply bear down harder. The unfortunate will then bleed
to death through their crushed hand as the wombat prevents him from
seeking assistance. This is considered the third most embarrassing
known way to die, and Australians don't talk about it much.
	
At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative
of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet, lays
eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and
has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all
'typical' Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.
	
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a
short history: Some time around 50,000 years ago, some people arrived in
boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and lot of them
died. The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature,
man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They
settled in, and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange
stories.
	
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.
More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and
stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn
(failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from
the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot
of them died.  About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured
ever since.
	
It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider
themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they
can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilized culture, they
say) - whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left
in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.
	
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended
Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused
by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a
person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the
core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of
checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also
picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the
Aboriginal gift for making up stories.  Be warned.
	
There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply
the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually
venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging
jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea,
pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back
that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a
beach sunset is worth the risk.
	
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would
expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly,
cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger,
unless they are an American. Faced with insurmountable odds and
impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major
engineering feats have been performed with sheets of
corrugated iron, string, and mud.
	
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is
Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim
that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the
land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country") and
"Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth." The irritating thing
about this is they may be right.
	
There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveler, though. Do not
under any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you
are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a
Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation
(Australians don't care too much about either) but Sport is a
minefield. The only correct answer to "So, how d'ya like our country,
eh?" is "Best {insert your own regional swear word here} country in the
world!".
	
It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will
'adopt' you, and on your first night, and take you to a pub where
Australian Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It
is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day
with an astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing
strange clothes. Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and
waive off any legal difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia,
so we took him to the pub.", to which the policeman will sagely nod and
close his notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every
other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage,
and noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this
unique culture.
	
Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary
use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.
	
Typical Australian sayings:
	
"G'Day!"
	
"It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."
	
"She'll be right."
	
"And down from Kosioskco, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn
and rugged battlements on high, where the air is clear is crystal, and
the white stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky. And
where, around the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes,
and the rolling plains are wide. The Man from Snowy River is a household
word today, and the stockmen tell the story of his ride."
	
Tips to Surviving Australia:
	
Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever. We mean
it.
	
The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think
it is.
	
Always carry a stick.
	
Air-conditioning.
	
Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained
linguist and good in a fist-fight.
	
Thick socks.
	
Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are
people nearby.
	
If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at
all times, or you will die.
	
Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is
always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
	
See Also: "Deserts: How to die in them", "The Stick: Second most useful
thing ever" and "Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals,
trees, shrubs, fish and sheep of Australia.