[[name removed]]

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>>Woody Allen funny quotes...1
>>Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
>>(Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex)
>>
>>That (sex) was the most fun I ever had without laughing.
>>(Annie Hall)
>>
>>Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone you
>>love.
>>(Annie Hall)
>>
>>
>>Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's 
>>a pretty good experience.
>>
>>Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful - provided you get between 
>>the right man and the right woman.
>>
>>My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I 
>>visited the Statue of Liberty.
>>
>>Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises 
>>some pretty good questions.
>>
>>I'm such a good lover because I practise when i'm alone.
>>
>>The food in this place is really terrible. Yes, and such small portions. 
>>That's essentially how I feel about life.
>>(Annie Hall)
>>
>>And if it turns out that there is a God, I don't believe that he is evil. 
>>The worst that can be said is that he's an underachiever.
>>(Love and Death)
>>
>>I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
>>(Play it Again Sam)
>>
>>I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers.
>>(Sleepers)
>>
>>My brain - it's my second favorite organ.
>>(Sleeper)
>>
>>Q. Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything?
>>A. Yes, for twenty-four hours I refused to eat grapes.
>>(Sleeper)
>>
>>Eternal nothingness is OK if you're dressed for it.
>>(Getting Even, 'My Philosophy')
>>
>>Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
>>(Getting Even, 'My Philosophy')
>>
>>The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much 
>>sleep.
>>(Without Feathers, 'The Scrolls')
>>
>>It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it 
>>happens.
>>(Death)
>>
>>The thing to remember is that each time of life has its appropriate 
>>rewards, whereas when you're dead it's hard to find the light switch. The 
>>chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no 
>>afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered 
>>to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one 
>>will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few 
>>things that can be done as easily lying down.
>>(The Early Essays)
>>
>>Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
>>(The Early Essays)
>>
>>I was thrown out of college for cheating on my metaphysics exam: I looked 
>>into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
>>(Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)
>>
>>My parents were very old world. They come from Brooklyn, which is the 
>>heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.
>>(Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)
>>
>>I am an only child. I have one sister.
>>(Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)
>>
>>A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me 
>>and she said 'NO!'.
>>(Woody Allen Volume Two)
>>
>>I am at two with nature.
>>(Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)
>>
>>Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him 'Be fruitful, 
>>and multiply.' But not in those words.
>>(Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)
>>
>>I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too 
>>short.
>>(Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)
>>
>>I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria 
>>Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We 
>>agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.
>>(Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)
>>
>>And my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into 
>>action immediately: they rent out my room.
>>(Woody Allen and His Comedy)
>>
>>My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
>>(Woody Allen and His Comedy)
>>
>>Death is an acquired trait.
>>(Woody Allen and His Comedy)
>>
>>I don't want to achieve immortality through my work I
>>want to achieve it through not dying.
>>(Woody Allen and His Comedy)
>>
>>
>>I took a course in speed reading learning to read straight down the middle 
>>of the page, and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's 
>>about Russia.
>>(Quote and Unquote)
>>
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>>
>>If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in 
>>my name at a Swiss bank.
>>(Selections from the Allen Notebooks, New Yorker)
>>
>>On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday 
>>night.
>>(New York Times)
>>
>>I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.
>>(Sayings of the Week, Observer)
>>
>>My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for 
>>mentally disturbed teachers.
>>
>>Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your 
>>children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain 
>>control of your estate.
>>
>>The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. 
>>Robinson.
>>
>>I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's so hard 
>>to find your way around Chinatown.
>>
>>How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the 
>>roller of an electric typewriter?
>>
>>I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - Parker Brothers
>>are going to make it into a board game.
>>
>>Basically my wife was an immature woman. I'd be at home in the bath  and 
>>she'd come in and sink my boats.
>>
>>If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's 
>>fingertips.
>>
>>The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge 
>>signed the divorce papers.
>>
>>I do not believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of 
>>underwear.
>>
>>If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
>>
>>
>>If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.
>>
>>The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, 
>>the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.
>>
>>More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads 
>>to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us 
>>pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
>>
>>What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I 
>>definitely overpaid for my carpet.
>>
>>Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a 
>>very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember 
>>where they have left things.
>>
>>94.5% of all statistics are made up.
>>
>>Why ruin a good story with the truth?
>>
>>Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem 
>>to have more fun when they're awake?
>>
>>It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light and certainly 
>>not desirable, as ones hat keeps falling off...
>>
>>I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
>>
>>I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, 
>>it's fantastic.
>>
>>I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, 
>>sold me this watch.
>>
>>I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
>>
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